Ep 18: Waiting For The Night – Violator In A Van

Waiting For The Night asks us to consider reality:

  • What is it?
  • Where is it?
  • Who are we really?

And what are the implications for us doing what we want to do?

Full Interview Transcript

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The number one regret of the dying is “I wish I’d had the courage to live life true to myself and not the life others expected of me". Don’t let that be you. I’m Laura Li. I’m an introvert and a highly sensitive person. I know it can be difficult in the noisy, hustle, bustle world to feel comfortable or to fit in. And I know it’s hard to hear our own voice over the chorus of what other people think. We’re afraid to step into our dreams swinging between the fear of not being good enough and being too much. Welcome to Quality Bohemian where I encourage you to let go of expectations and limitations and where I support you to live life true to yourself guided by your inner wisdom not your inner critic.

Hello Quiet Bohemians and welcome to episode 18. We're in season two Violator In A Van and is season two the season where every week I come to you and I say, here's another Depeche Mode song, and I have no clue what it's about?

Waiting For The Night.  I used to love listening to this song. Martin says: Waiting for the night to fall, I know that it will save us all. When everything's dark, keeps us from the stark reality.

And in my most depressed times, I used to love that invitation for the night to fall, and somehow the darkness was my friend and it kind of gave some respite from being in the world, being with people, having to deal with stuff.

So I used to really identify with the idea of being away from reality, where reality was just my everyday life, my everyday problems of having to cope with things and almost in the night I could just shut myself down.

Whereas now when I listen to that, I think the dark keeps us from the stark reality, but really the reality is that there is no reality. Reality itself is just an illusion.

So whatever problems I thought I had, whatever problems we think we have, whenever we feel stress or depression like I did, or anxiety or overwhelm or any kind of unhappiness, those feelings are always coming from our thoughts. They’re always coming from our thinking, even if we're not aware of the exact thought that creates that feeling.

And so what we think of as reality, our life, our circumstances is always the result of what we're feeling. It isn't the result of what's going on outside of us. So we're creating our life from the inside. It's not being created by anything happening around us.

And so if we're looking to change those feelings of stress or anxiety or unhappiness and looking for security, happiness, peace of mind to feel calmer and we're looking outside of ourselves for the solution, for the answer, for how to create those feelings, we're going to be looking in the wrong place.

Because our security, our happiness, our peace, our wellbeing, they're all within us all the time. Those things are created and found on the inside.

So if you're feeling unhappy, stressed, overwhelmed, not good enough, and you're looking for something to fix that, first of all, as I say, you're looking in the wrong place. And secondly, there isn't anything that needs to be fixed.

Because when you see, when you really see, that your world is created by your thinking, you're free. You're free from having to listen to your thinking, free from believing your thinking and free from being trapped inside the world that your thought has created for you. You’re free from being trapped inside the problems that you think exist, that have purely been created by the way you think.

It's not what's happening around you that's the problem. It's your interpretation of what's happening that's the problem. And I often talk about the negative things that we think -  the problems that we are creating, stress, overwhelm unhappiness, and it's easy to get the idea that all the negative things and all the problems are falsely created by our thinking, and we have innate peace of mind and wellbeing, and therefore all the bad stuff is illusion created by our thinking and all the good stuff, all the positive thoughts, all the happy thoughts they're the reality.

And that isn't true either. Everything is created by our thinking.

I have a colleague at work, and he's a really nice guy. He's always happy. He's always friendly, is supportive of people, and I've honestly spoken about this guy like he is one of the nicest people I've ever met. Just a really lovely man. Hasn't got a bad word to say about anybody, you know, almost a perfect colleague to have.

And then last week I saw a couple of times where he said something to somebody and I thought, I see now, you often say one thing to me, but you say something different to someone else. And I thought all this time, my view of him has been completely wrong. And I realized that I had an image of this person and that was all completely made up in my head. There was no place in reality, no place in the fabric of time and space where this chap was what I thought he was.

It was all in my head. And now I have a view of him that is different, but he's not that person either. That's just another view I have of him in my head and how he exists moment to moment is not anywhere out there at all. I mean, sometimes when I think about this stuff, I freak myself out to be honest.

But you know, I have a view of him at any one time, which clearly changes, can change, has changed. All of my colleagues, presumably they have their own idea of who he is, of what he is, of how he is, and theirs can change in any one moment. So how could anybody show me who this person actually is? It just does not exist.

So my view of him, which was somebody who was one of the nicest, loveliest people I've ever met, which is a happy, lovely, positive thing - that is no more real than now, if I have a view of him of that  he's a little bit, um, I dunno, hypocritical, let's call it.  So even though this person exists, and I can see him in front of me, you know, how, who he is, it's just not real.

And you know, the logical extension of that, right, is that you're not real. That everything about you, everything that you think you are, is completely made up in any given moment.

And that includes whatever it is you think you're capable of or not capable of.

So whatever it is you want to do, and you're being stopped by thinking it's not possible for you: you're too young, you're too old, you're too fat, you don't know enough, you're not good enough, you're not smart enough. You can take action no matter what the thoughts are telling you, and you can take action despite whatever it is you're feeling in the moment.

And I don't for one minute think that this is anything like what Martin Gore had in mind when he was writing this song. This is our discussion today.

He also goes on to say: And there in the still all that you feel is tranquility.

And in my experience, that stillness, the tranquility has come as I've taken on more and more this idea that I'm creating everything on the inside. It's all my thinking. My thinking doesn't need to stop me. And of course it's like a wave. It goes up and down, ebbs and flows. It comes and goes. But I experienced more, more of the stillness of the quieting down of my mind, of all that kind of thinking and overthinking and the revving of my brain and getting caught up kind of like on a hamster wheel or a merry-go-round where it's just going round and taking me around in circles and I'm not getting anywhere.

And I have increasingly found two things. One, I don't believe those thoughts as much as I used to. And secondly, even when I believe those thoughts, I can still know they're not true. So I don't have to do any work. I don't have to put in any effort to stop believing them. Just the sheer knowledge that they're not true is enough for me.

Sometimes not always; sometimes to be able to put that to one side and just take my action anyway.

This is actually a really beautiful song. He's talking about stillness and tranquility, and it's a very peaceful song. The blending of Martin and Dave’s voices is beautiful and it contains my absolute favorite lines of lyric that Martin Gore has ever written, which are:

And when I squinted, the world seemed rose- tinted and angels appeared to descend.

To my surprise with half-closed eyes, things looked even better than when they were opened.

Aside from how beautiful that whole piece is, I love the way he says things looked even better than when they were opened. He doesn't say them when they were open, which is, you know, what a much lesser songwriter and much lesser lyricist would have said. And just in that word we're witness to all of Martin Gore's genius.

But you know what, for once I won't agree with him. I think things do look better when our eyes are fully opened, when they are fully opened to how life works and how much easier life can become when we see the truth of that.

It doesn't mean that life will always be easy, but it is easier when you don't struggle and you don't fight against what simply is. And that I think is a wrap for this week and as ever, thank you very much for listening.

If you know today’s the day you’re finally ready to come out of hiding and start making your dreams come true, I invite you to join me for some 1:1 support in my Spirit Run Wild coaching programme. Head over to https://quietlybohemian.com/coaching/ for more details and to book a Discovery Session to see if it’s for you.

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